I don’t want to have a problem.
My name is Mary Jane, and I am a black woman.
I am also a woman of color.
I’m not a virgin anymore.
I’ve never been sexually assaulted.
I’m not ashamed.
I do not regret the choices I’ve made.
My dad always told me that I had a choice.
That if I did not choose to be me, then I had to be the other way around.
That’s how he saw me.
So I was a white girl in a white world.
I didn’t fit in.
I had black friends.
I never had white friends.
He told me to come to his house one day and tell him I was going to be a girl, and then he was going away.
I was a virgin when I was in middle school.
He knew that I wasn’t.
And he knew I was not going to change.
He would have made fun of me if he had known.
He never showed me anything.
He only took me to the mall and I never saw him.
I remember the way he treated me.
He had me stand in line at the mall because he thought I was too big to be in the mall.
He thought I would just disappear.
I think about that day every day.
When I was at a party, he was talking to his girlfriend.
He said he had to take a picture of her because he couldn’t have a black girl in his life.
He wanted me to be his girl.
I said, “That’s not how it works.”
I was 14.
He called me a slut.
He made me feel like I had no choice.
I was embarrassed to tell anyone what I was feeling.
I wasn`t happy.
When I was pregnant with my son, I went back to his home and told him, “Dad, I need you to know what`s going on with me.
I need to be my own person.”
He said, “”Well, that`s what I know.
“I remember crying.
I cried like a baby because I thought he would kill me.
And I remember thinking, I don`t want to be someone else.
I don´t want that to happen to anybody else.
But he did it to me.
When my son was born, I was 17 years old.
I wanted to have my own family.
I came to my parents.
I did what they asked.
But when I told my parents, they were not pleased with me telling my story.
They told me I was stupid.
They said that my parents never loved me.
That I had let them down.
And they said that I should just let my son be.
They didn`t even care.
I felt so bad for them.
I feel like my parents would have died trying to save me.
The next year, I had another abortion.
I decided that I would never have another child.
I made it a promise to myself to never have a child.
But I was so depressed, so anxious.
And then I got a call from my mom.
I got so angry and frustrated.
My mom told me she was scared that she had let down my parents and that she was going on a journey with Jesus.
She said that she could see how I was crying and angry and I couldn`t stop it.
She said, I know you want this, and you know you should feel happy.
But you don` t.
That is when I cried.
I just cried and cried and said, Mary Jane.
You`re not going anywhere.
I thought, Oh, my God.
What am I going to do?
I had given up on my dreams of being a musician.
I quit playing the piano.
I stopped eating.
I started sleeping.
I went to therapy.
I listened to music.
I learned about the Lord and Jesus.
But my mother was still not happy.
I told her, I can`t let go of you.
I have to keep you.
And my mother said, Oh my God, I love you.
Mary Jane`s story is the story of a woman who was never given the opportunity to be loved by her parents.
But that`ll never happen to anyone else.
I know there are so many black women out there who have been given the gift of love, but it never really comes.
I want to show you how much it means to me to see you.
When my father died, I felt a lot of pain.
I know that he never loved anyone, and he never did anything right.
But in my heart, I knew that God loved him.
He loved me unconditionally.
And so when he died, it was all I wanted.
It was just a matter of time before my father was gone.
I loved him, but I never loved him again.
I wish that I could be his son.
I love my mother and I love him